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Stereotypes About Chinese Girls and Reality


Traditional Chinese girlWhen adolescents make their first steps in dating games, they often tend to over-analyze the signs received from their infatuation object. What did that strange look mean? Why did/didn’t she laugh at my joke? Did he say “Hello” because he is just polite or because he likes me? Why isn’t she calling me: because she is not interested or because she is shy?

After gaining more experience and depending on our personal characteristics we learn to translate these signs and transmit the signs of our own in a certain way. And even if we don’t do it very efficiently – at least we have less questions and doubts.

But the same doubts can reappear if we start dating a person from a different culture. Suddenly the rules change and many of the acquired habits are not valid anymore. Again we are not sure what to do and how to understand the other person’s behavior.

This is one of situations where stereotypes might be helpful to a certain degree. By their own nature, stereotypes are generalizations which provide us a “road-map” to make judgment. And there are plenty of stereotypical advices and tips one can find when it comes to intercultural/interracial dating (me being one of those who wrote tips to foreigners on dating Chinese girls). But they cannot be applied to every single case. The story below is the best illustration of situation where girl’s behavior didn’t justify any of the stereotypes about Chinese girls. Or maybe it did? Judge yourself…
The guy’s name is Cheung Wai Lan. And the beginning of his story is taken from one forum where he made a post:

I was born and raised in UK. I have never visited China and I have had limited contact with those who have been born-and-bread in China, although I am of Chinese parentage.

I am currently studying as a postgraduate university student in the UK. (I’m 35 but often mistaken to be approximately 26-28). A few Chinese students have approached me who appear to be ‘over friendly’ towards me from my ‘Westernized’ dating/friendship viewpoint.

For example, about a month ago I met “Miss B” – 21 year old student. She sends me multiple text messages daily and will make an effort to find and chat at least once a day. As she is quite fun, I have invited her to join me and my friends at various events, lunches and she always seems keen to accept.

Several mutual friends began to ask us questions about our relationship status but she never replies either way when we’re asked together. Twice I have taken her out for dinner (just the two of us) and I am now developing quite a strong attraction to her.

My concern is that I don’t know where I stand on the friendship/dating scale and more importantly how to proceed. I feel that I am entering a cultural minefield as I don’t know how the situation can be interpreted in my ‘Westernised Dating’ experiences. Additionally, due to my Chinese appearance, I am doubly concerned that others would ‘expect’ me to know the norms.

The last thing I want to do is to unintentionally mislead someone due to my lack of cultural understanding. My Hong Kong/Malaysian/Singaporean Chinese friends have jointly warned me to be very careful not to rush things. I am repeatedly told “dating is very different in China” and I should take things much more slowly than I would for a “Western” relationship.

Most people agreed that Miss B definitely likes him, and if he is interested he should take initiative and “push” things further. And so Cheung did. The second part is taken from my correspondence with him (which he kindly agreed to publish here):

Since that forum thread, I took ‘Miss B’ to a restaurant opening where we were the last people to leave at 02h00 since chatting for hours.
I interpreted everything as a sign of interest so I told her that night that I liked her and she completely freaked out saying that she “had no idea” and is “too busy right now” etc. (Yes – we were very drunk – 2 bottles of wine and a few cocktails each).
This following week I expected her to be completely distant but everything seemed to be instantly back to normal. So she’s still actively finding and chatting to me during the day. I invited her to come to my friend’s birthday party with me this weekend and she said yes. (She’s only met the birthday girl twice).
One of our mutual (non-Chinese) friends had a chat with me and I was told that she definitely likes me but that I should take things slower as she’s still adjusting to everything in the UK and apparently she’s still uncomfortable with little things like everyone trying to kiss her on the cheek when they say goodbye!
I’m completely and utterly confused now… if she was someone who grew up in Europe I would know but I’ve been warned that there is a bit of a cultural barrier

At this point I was still optimistic and thought that it was just a little misunderstanding, and in the presence of previous signs of interest Cheung should not give up. However, I was wrong and the story didn’t have a happy-ending:

Well, here’s the conclusion of this particular saga. As I feared, there have been some huge, possibly cultural, misunderstandings.
A good mutual female friend of mine and ‘Miss B’ had a chat with me a few hours before we left college for the birthday party I mentioned in the last email. Apparently a few days ago, ‘Miss B’ confided in her about everything that’s been happening recently as she’s very confused and she didn’t know how to handle the situation.
Bottom line is that Miss B is shockingly naive (by UK standards anyway), she had absolutely no idea what she was doing or what was happening, and isn’t interested in me… :’-(
Apparently she was extremely concerned about ‘offending’ me but really likes me as ‘a friend’ only.
Our mutual friend had a very long chat with Miss B and was surprised to learn that she didn’t realize that cuddling me, holding my hand, meeting my friends and going out to dinner with me several times was anything other than being ‘friendly’. (What?!?!)
The mutual friend didn’t reveal the reasons which Miss B gave but did say that ‘age’ was one of them. Apparently Miss B claimed that holding hands doesn’t mean anything more than close friendship in China(?) Is that right?
Everyone in our close circle of friends is very surprised. Our mutual friend was convinced that we were already together and many of my other friends, unsurprisingly, thought the same that evening at the birthday party as she was still quite close to me.
The mutual friend is now giving her a crash course on how to interact with men in the UK so she doesn’t do it again to anyone else.

This time I will refrain from commenting, and want to get some feedback from the readers. Do you think that the girl behaved as a typical Chinese girl. Or was she naive according to ANY standards?

Confused Crystal Tao

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87 comments to Stereotypes About Chinese Girls and Reality
  • a

    This has nothing to do with culture. She either decided after awhile she didn’t like him but didn’t want to tell him or she was just leading him along the whole time. The fact that the following happened is proof

    Several mutual friends began to ask us questions about our relationship status but she never replies either way when we’re asked together

    North eastern Chinese girls use the same dating signs and signals as Americans. If a guy is constantly hanging around her then he likes her. If hes constantly trying to help her out then he likes her. Eating together alone, he likes her. Holding hands is like first base, some Chinese blog even did a post American bases vs Chinese bases early this year I think

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      Regarding “Several mutual friends began to ask…”

      I did speak to her about this, she said that she was really concerned about ‘offending me’. Strange statement considering all that happened. I’m still inclined to believe that she is a little naive rather than outright manipulative.

      (Before anyone jumps on that comment, I know that I might be biased!)

    • Shadowrune

      I agree, this is just too obvious, by any standards. I’ve never heard of these kinds of standards being “different”. Girls hold hands in China when they go out, but holding hands with a boy is another thing entirely. Either this girl was very naive, or (which seems more likely), she was under the impression that “in the morally degraded West”, even holding hands or cuddling would be considered “friendly”. Then again, it’s easy to veil something with a guise of naivety or “cultural barriers”.

  • Actually it seems like the guy in this story was thinking and acting like girls in China do. Girls in China are quick to fall in love and can be very easily misled (trust me, I know). I’m actually surprised to see a Chinese girl unintentionally leading the guy on (I know many girls do so on purpose but this seems like a different situation). Who knows, maybe she was doing it on purpose but I think any guy would be confused in this situation. Poor dude.

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      Mark – Thanks for the comment. I hate to say it, but you might be right. I did think and act very uncharacteristically. I think I’ll stick to my tried and tested route. (and not trying to ‘dip pen in company ink’).

      This whole saga ‘knocked me for six’. I fell into the women’s trap of completely falling in love with someone before getting confirmation that the feeling is mutual. Not doing that again in a hurry.

  • RegnisTheGreat

    Its the age thing. I’m sorry 35 and 21 just doesn’t work, different stage of life and mental maturity.

    • a

      Age doesn’t matter. If you have real feelings for eachother then age, culture, money, gender, etc doesn’t matter

      Most marriages in the US is between people of similiar ages yet the divorce rate is 40%-50% depending on your source

      Most marriages in China is between people of similiar ages yet it seems like everyone knows someone that is cheating or is getting cheated on

      • Cheung Wai Lan

        I agree with you in terms of “age doesn’t matter”, the “stage of life” and “mental maturity” is more important. One of my friends started dating a 36 year old guy when she was 24. That lasted 2 years, longer than a lot of her other relationships!

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      RegnisTheGreat – ‘mental maturity’ is an interesting comment. That was a concern of mine. She did act more mature than her age (I actually guessed she was 25) while most people guess that I’m under 30! So a comprimise from both sides.

      • RegnisTheGreat

        I agree with you there, I never said the “age” was important but the “stage of life”. Right now I’m in my early 30s and I have a good career an am looking to settle down, start a family, and have a kid or two in a few years. If I’m dating someone who’s in the “I just got out of college, focus on career” or “I’m in college, party on” stages it wouldn’t work.

        • Cheung Wai Lan


          Well I’m actually in my mid 30′s and I think I am actually in the phase of…“I just got out of college, focus on career” ;-) The whole marriage and kids thing isn’t something that I’m planning right now. If it happens, it happens… if not, who cares!

  • Teacher in China

    I’ve dated enough in China to know that there are very few girls (if any) who are THAT naive.
    Still, here’s an alternate explanation: If she was that fresh to the UK, maybe she just wanted (or needed) someone to help her adjust – someone to hang out with that felt comfortable and that could help her to meet new people in an unfamiliar environment, the snuggling and stuff probably made her feel safe and comforted. Maybe she really felt like the guy was an older brother or something.
    People are complicated, it’s not always about culture.

  • ahkiwi

    I can’t say whether she was leading him on or not, but I can empathize with her being new in a different country & culture to what she’s used to.

    It could be that because he was friendly & Chinese (at least in looks) she was comfortable around him when she wouldn’t have had the courage to approach a European. He was looking at her responses from western point of view, that’s very clear.

    Personally, I have no idea about “signals” and dating so I would have been completely lost from the start :)

  • Johnny

    He should have just taken her back to his place after a couple of dates. And if she refuses then it’s time to move on. At least then he would have known rather than spend more time and money and still get nowhere with her.

    I think age might have just been an excuse. Otherwise why don’t they just have a fling in the meantime with no commitment rather nothing at all just because of age?

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      That’s my normal ‘modus operandi’, however this is someone I spent a lot of time with in college and that complicated things. I think my problem is that I became emotionally attracted to her. Oh well, back to the old rules!

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      As for age, some people do have issues with that, (See post from ‘RegnisTheGreat’). I don’t have an issue per se, but I note that most of my ex’s have been the similar age.

  • TLB

    A couple of things come to mind, building upon some of the comments already made:

    1. When she said she wasn’t interested, why didn’t he believe her? Coming from my culture (USA male), when a woman says she’s not interested, it’s time to put a little distance there and move on. To not do so is a sign of disrespect.

    2. I don’t know whether she was “leading him on” or not, but I’d definitely take holding hands (and especially cuddling) as a sign of romantic interest. If she had done those things after saying she wasn’t interested, I would have directly asked her about that. Maybe she didn’t intentionally lead him on, but he was definitely getting mixed messages.

    Tim (just one blind man describing the elephant, and who has also had to deal with trying to interpret romantic signals across cultures…) :cool:

    • a

      Most of the people here (US) enjoy playing mind games. Saying they don’t like someone when they actually do

      Sorry if my replies aren’t threading correctly

      • Something went wrong with the threading functionality and I had to delete “a”‘s comments and repost them under his name to the intended place.

        My sincere apologies to all who subscribed to comments on this post and got “bombarded” with the identical mails few times…

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      Tim, thanks for your comments.

      1. I did at first – but her actions didn’t back up the statement at all. The conversation with a mutual friend (female – who was also fooled) completely mislead me as she encouraged me to continue and was pretty certain it was ‘sure thing’.

      2. I didn’t ask, and maybe I should have asked for clarification at that point. On the other hand, I had asked her to clarify a few days prior so I wonder if that would have helped. Unless I told her to leave me alone.

      Tim (I wouldn’t say you were blind, but I’ve been looking for advice from the one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind).

  • In general I noticed that the younger Chinese girls do tend to be naive when it comes to romance and dating but there’s no way a girl (Chinese or not) could honestly not know that cuddling, holding hands, private dinners, etc are what couples do. Westerners, Europeans in particular, tend to be more “touchy feely” than most people but come on. This poor guy got duped.

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      After reading Bills story (above) it seems that some girls are that naive. [Read the part about the roses and valentine's day!]

      Guys, have you noticed that girls in China are more/less naive than their US counterparts?

      • Jay K.

        i dont mean to be sterotypical but since its about sterotypes about chinese girls, then i’ll add in a bit on my end of dating a malaysian girl in college who was really chinese descent, parents were from taiawan and guangdong; that girl wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.

        • Cheung Wai Lan

          Hey Jay K, interestingly enough I have quite a few Malaysian/Singaporean/Hong Kong friends. They all assert that ‘Mainland China’ is very different from their own country. I’ve heard stories about how everyone views each other especially Singaporeans vs Malaysians, and Hong Kong vs China, but I only hear the negative stereotypes, equivalent to the ‘Valley Girl’ in the USA or the “Essex Girl” in the UK!

          • Ziccawei

            I think it’s a common Chinese trait to say ‘Shanghai is better than Beijing and Shanghai people are better than Beijing people’ etc. The Hong Kong Chinese, despite being Chinese, try as hard as they can to disassociate themselves from the Mainland Chinese. I lived in HK before and the HK Chinese regard themselves as much better than other Chinese. Same with the Shanghainese.
            I imagine that ChongQing girls think they are better than Chengdu girls and vice versa. ;-)
            What I think is not good is the desire for many Chinese girls to act as the ‘dumb blonde’ 24/7. Regardless whether they are stupid or not, the men demand them to behave like this, and it’s probably better all round if a Chinese girl behaves like this too. Chinese culture, to a certain degree, expects them to be like this.
            Hence the ditzy behaviour, the contant ‘bu qi dao’ and the little baby-girl voices.

    • China Shark Mike

      Agree with James he was being played for whatever reason. Those signs cuddling etc are universal body langauge I do not care how naive she is.

  • Bill

    When I was first interested in my wife (but not yet a couple), she invited me out to bowling. Unbeknownst to me a couple of other of her male friends (both Chinese) met us at the bowling alley. And if I recall correctly I don’t thing that they knew my wife had invited me.

    So we all bowled together but the other two guys split sort of rudely and unexpectedly early in the evening and left me with her.

    I told her later that these guys were after her – just like me – and that seeing me with her, even though we weren’t bf/gf yet, those guys weren’t pleased, and so left. She didn’t agree that that was the reason until later in our relationship. She claimed that they were just friends that were helpful to her in her first months in the USA, and nothing more. She even thought this after recieving a huge bouquet of roses for Valentine’s Day from one of them a week earlier (I came through too, but not 5 dozen red roses like him).

    I think it started to sink in 1) after I told her about guys, and 2) other guys started disappearing from her life.

    Needless to say, she had a lot to learn about guys, and herself. She was 25 at the time, and pretty naive about reading signals when it came to dating. Even at that age, I think she was simply not ‘schooled’ to think in sexual terms. It was all around her and she simply had this very innocent, Polly Purebread image of people.

    So my guess is that this girl in the above post probably was quite young and innocent, but also maybe not all that together. No one can mistake cuddling and hand-holding.

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      That’s an interesting story. I actually think this is the closest to my situation.

      At first I thought that no-one could be so naive either, but I’m more inclined to believe this is what happened here.

      Are Chinese girls generally this naive?

      • a

        6 billon people in the world of course there’ll be some that won’t understand dating at all

        but seriously, open your eyes. A typical 10 yr old ish Chinese kid, doesn’t matter boy or girl, knows a guy giving a bouquet to a girl means he likes her and holding hands is not something friends do

        Question, Crystal, have you ever seen or even heard of a straight guy hold hands with a straight female friend, a friend that is female, not a dating girlfriend

        • Cheung Wai Lan

          Crystal, that’s actually a very good question from a

          Crystal, have you ever seen or even heard of a straight guy hold hands with a straight female friend, a friend that is female, not a dating girlfriendAny comment?

        • Neither for me nor for any of my friends (or any girls I know) – holding hands with a guy wouldn’t come in account unless he is definitely treated more than just a friend.
          This is the reason why I made it bold in the post itself.

          • Cheung Wai Lan

            Crystal – Sorry if that was a silly question, but given Bill’s story about his wife receiving “5 dozen red roses” from a ‘friend’ I don’t know what to believe now! (no offence intended Bill)

            • Hi


              of course the guy who bought 5 dozen roses was interested in her!!!
              Typical Chinese to deny it her friend had a crush on her or she was naive, a clear sign is when the guys around her disappeared quickly just confirms it, they have moved on to other girls, you know it’s time consuming chasing girls and be THEIR helpful hand all the time.

              It is so typical guys becomes a “friend” with girls but they never admit they are interested, it’s way of having several baits in the pond waiting for a fish to catch him, a numbers game.

              • Cheung Wai Lan

                The Law of Supply and Demand!I suppose that many Chinese girls grow up in an environment being able to play games whether they are in China or abroad. Especially the pretty ones. It’s just human nature to get what the best is for you. If you’ve been able to do that, consciously or unconsciously, why would you stop if you don’t see any negative consequences?

                In China I’m guessing that the imbalance between the numbers of girls and guys means that they have a lot more choice. Outside of China, they are in demand too. They have many more guys from other cultures to choose from (e.g. predominantly white or black guys).

                P.S. Before anyone complains, the terms ‘black’ and ‘white’ don’t have such a negative meaning in the UK.

  • Kurt

    She can’t be that naive. For whatever the reason, she lost interest. I would say just move on. Don’t even worry about this bad experience.

  • Bugeye

    Personal Opinion.

    He was male, seemed of the same culture and was ‘usable’

    He was her culture comfort blanket and protection from wild UK.

    She knew he was interested but did not care about feelings. He was useful and she could continue to use him until what happened. She probably hoped her mixed signals would continue to dupe him until her need of him was finished.

    It is not new in the ‘game’ and it is not the last time that variations of this trick will be used. (Give a few coy looks and then ask the boy next door to move furniture.)

    There are innocent people around and there are also cultural differnces. This has the ring of neither.

    • RegnisTheGreat

      He’s right. The only nieve person was the guy. He should read about the game and how its played. She played him well. I bet money she’s a Shanghai girl.

      • Cheung Wai Lan

        Not Shanghainese, but went studied her first degree there.

        I laughed when I saw this. I didn’t know that Shanghainese girls had such a reputation before I read Crystal’s post about them.

        [From what I've read, I get the impression they are akin to the 'J.A.P.'s in New York (Jewish American Princesses), is that right?]

        • RegnisTheGreat

          Pretty much, Shanghai girls are spoiled and materialistic. It may be my point of view as I grew up in the West, but that’s what I think/felt. I spend 3 almost 4 years years there working as a expat IT manager and I enjoyed the city but found the girls totally not date-able. I was pulling in good money (~500K) and dated for a bit. One thing the girls always looked down on you is if you don’t have a home which I didn’t (I didn’t want to stay in Shanghai permanently so I rented). For them materialism is huge (eg. what you have and what you own) which for me is not that big of a deal.

          For example, I bought a reasonable car (Hyundai Electra) and it was pretty good for what I needed it for. I rather have money to travel or go see art/concerts/performances (at 32 I’ve been to over 23 countries). A lot of the girls always said yuo need a luxury car.

          I found a lot of Shanghai girls just care about status and showing off.

        • China Shark Mike

          My exwife was Shanghainese and they’re sharp cookies.

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      The ‘comfort blanket’ is an interesting argument. There are many girls who do this all the time *unconsciously*. This is just male/female interactions. When it’s a *conscious* manipulation that’s different. I suspect this played a role.

  • korean_guy

    She played him PERIOD. People give too much credit to culture barrier…

  • She acts like someone involved with someone from her home country and cannot cheat though she may try

  • Cheung Wai Lan

    Hi all,

    Firstly thanks for your all comments on my story. I originally reached out to Crystal to help me figure out whether I had run into a huge cultural minefield. Thanks to her for the private email exchange.

    This whole saga definitely wasn’t a pleasant experience. After a few long conversions with ‘Miss B’ I come to the conclusion that, on her part, it was mixture of naiveté and a massive desire not to offend (Maybe it’s the ‘showing face’ thing that I never fully understood). She claimed that it turned into a difficult situation for her when she finally realised what was happening as she didn’t want to say ‘no’ to me and it then snowballed until it went way too far.

    On my part, I was very upset at the time and I’m still trying to figure out why. I’ve been less upset when I broke up with previous girlfriends! This is especially confusing as ‘Miss B’ was not someone that I would normally be attracted to as most of my ex’s have been Caucasian or Indian. I suppose the huge amounts of time we spent together contributed.

    In any case I’ve learnt my lesson! “Clarify early”, or alternatively;

    “…I’ve learnt the best way to not get your heart broken, is to pretend you don’t have one”
    - Charlie Harper

    See below for specific responses to all your comments…

    [Private messages welcome via Crystal.]

  • Jay K.

    Im not buying into Miss B’s story or any plausible excuse as to what has been stated above. Some Chinese girls just love this feeling/relationship of what is known as 爱美(is that how you write it i forgot the characters).

    my fiancee has seen it with her friends(guy and girls) being done. and i admit ive experienced it myself in the past.

    take this as an example: my fiancee’s good friend and classmate from a prestigious university meets a girl(im trying to keep this short). let’s call him DF and call Ms. Field. DF is not some nerdy geek guy, in fact physically speaking he is quite handsome to chinese standards, as in he looks like mr. daniel wu, but not as gay and more rough built though. but not only is he physically above average but he has brains too. normally in a college (in this case post grad) dating scene, most girls logically speaking would chase him or indirectly chase him)

    ms field on the other hand is well your girl from hangzhou or suzhou i forgot exactly. she is pretty in that 可爱/kawaii sense most societies in asia go for. and damn has good skin, fine skin!

    anyways df normally plays the field because he knows he can with his wittiness and the 2 things i mentioned above. ms field and them meet each other randomly in some concert and they start forming a bond/relationship as friends
    but it never. hell you would see them sometimes HOLD hands or be very cuddle with each other.
    so it would be natural for most of us in our circle of friends to think they are in a relationship. but alas it was nothing more than a friend relationship. when i first noticed this i asked my gf what’s going on with them, to which she replied he asked many times about a formal/real relationship with ms field, to which ms field replied “im too busy, its not the right time” but the next time they see each other they are cuddly still with each other and very close where PDA can be applied(minus the kissing)
    so i later asked our guy circle of friends, perhaps they are 炮友(fuck buddies) in to which his friends and dormmates responded something as such, if it was happening he wouldnt be so stressed and would just relax and all the condoms on his table wouldnt be collecting dust(im lucky to have direct and not so bashful chinese buds)
    so it perplexed me, after awhile i asked my gf again about them and by that point we soon realized ms field was just in it for the 爱美 relationship.

    fuck that

    and this had also happened to me in the past also. i take the girl for date, dinner, movies, we hold hands. cuddle. i even kissed her on cheek. but when i asked for a relationship in such a way she replied with im busy and i need to think it over.

    im telling you guys this has 爱美 relationship written all over it.

    i have no idea how to really translate 爱美 relationship is in english. but my best way is you are forever stuck in the friendship trench, you can never go forward to fully attain a true relationship you can get out of the trench once in awhile and run around no man’s land but then u are soon driven back to the trenches. its like you are stuck in limbo


    • Bill

      Jay’s story reminds me of a another possible cultural aspect to this. That being the threshold crossed when a girl consents to sleep with a guy. Let me explain.

      Many decades ago in the West, if it was known that a girl was a lover with a guy, if she was a good girl she would marry him, but if she didn’t marry him she would sully her reputation (ie., she’d be whispered about as a slut). Nowadays, this stigma is largely gone. And, I’m guessing, it’s largely (though still not quite as largely) gone in urban China. But I’m guessing that this idea (of the good girl protecting her reputation) is still alive and well for not a small number of Chinese girls.

      My experience with Chinese girls is limited to a few I’ve known who came to the West, so take this for what it’s worth. But some of them have their face, that is, they won’t sleep with a guy unless they think he’s the one, or a strong possibility that he’s the one. In other words, why risk your reputation (ie., have other Chinese think you’re easy) if you’re not really sure of the guy.

    • Jay, I guess that you mean another Chinese word – pronounced also as “ai mei”, but written as 暧昧. It means “ambiguity”, “vagueness”. But this is indeed a word that can be translated differently depending on context.

      You mean that girl enjoys playing a “game” when she is manipulating a guy by giving ambiguous signs and finds a pleasure in building the tension.

      By the way, if you check my other post about famous Chinese female singers, you will see that the eighth song (by Rainie Yang) has the same title –> 暧昧. But its official translation into English is “My Intuition”.

      • Jay K.

        That’s the character i was looking for chongqing girl, see long time no speak chinese for me.

        yes that girl does enjoy playing the game

        To Bill: the girl i was referring to as Ms Field, had few bf before DF, and was known to play the game of building tension. I personally don’t think she was trying to protect her face. DF was actually head over heels for the girl, to the point i thought he lost his balls and decided to become a mush of a man. ive seen the guy play the fields so i know his reactions and so did our circle of friends know he wasnt trying to play the girl.

        ms fied was in it for raising him up then crashing him down hard

        as for the girl i wanted to date many years ago, i wasnt in it for the nookie (okay partially i was) but i actually wanted a relationship with that girl, she was witty, smart and my taste for girls are those who are highly intelligent and witty in a sense…yes i have a weakness for the nerdy girls who go to high level universities and actually have brains…anyways during the chase for her towards the end when i was winding down and realized i couldn’t get a true relationship (even though i was still trying with a sense that i only had a 10% heart to continue) i found out she had a bf.
        so for a girl to be having face and not sully her reputation; my experiences says different from your statement (I don’t mean to be rude or insulting)

        may i dare say these girls were cockteases, who knows. by the way the girl i was after was 175cm on a 45kg frame, from sichuan…i swear girls from sichuan/chongqing who are tall are naturally built on a model frame..just got fine written all over them

        • Bill

          Jay, you make my point.

          There is a major, major difference for a girl’s reputation between sleeping with a guy and and not sleeping with a guy, no? The girl you mention seems to have known this boundary – she didn’t cross it – and so no lasting damage to her reputation was done.

          Girls, am I wrong?

  • Ziccawei

    It never seizes to amaze me how some foreign guys get treated like dirt by some Chinese girls here and let them get away with it because of ‘cultural differences’. I knew a guy in Shanghai who let a local Shanghainese girl treat him like shit for months on end before he finally realised that he was being used and made to look like a fool. He spent all his money on her and she showed a total lack of respect to him while at the same time banging her boss behind the foreign guys back.
    All the time she used the line ‘but I am a Chinese girl, this is how we do things here’.
    Like a Shanghainese guy said to me one time; ‘Shanghai girls don’t have boyfriends, they have business portfolios’.

    • RegnisTheGreat

      Shanghai girls are as bad as J.A.P. (see below) in NYC. Shanghai girls are materialistic and bitchy. Combination of high home prices, one child per family, and spoiled kids. They’re good to sleep with (they’re experienced) and etc if you have the how, but never date or marry one. For those you want girls from smaller towns/cities who’s more realistic.

      • Ziccawei

        I agree with RegisTheGreat. I think many Shanghai girls have bought into their own publicity and kind of screwed themselves a bit. They ARE materialistic and bitchy. I can only imagine how constantly unhappy and miserable they must feel.
        And it’s not as if Shanghai girls are the only sophisticated/fashionable/worldly women in China – today that is definitely untrue.
        I have found many girls from Anhui to be smart, funny and highly attractive.
        Like a friend of mine said ‘If she tells me she is from Shanghai, I say bye-bye’.

        • RegnisTheGreat

          As I said, there are two types of woman: those you settle down with and those you play with. Shanghai girls go into the latter group for obvious reasons. Reality hits then when they hit 35 and no guy will marry then.

  • Steve

    It would help a lot to know whether Cheung has been footing the bill for the majority of these get-togethers. I’m not trying to say that all women use and abuse clueless men, but we all know they exist. You may even know one or two yourself. They will claim naivety as long as they can get away with it, and ride on the ‘let’s just be friends’ train until the guy gets wiser.

    Smart girls, especially smart Chinese girls, know how to play the innocent woman, because they know it’s a huge ego boost for men. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this is bad. If they know how to play the game, kudos to them for playing it well. As an advice column to men, these are the situations we need you to help us avoid!

    On the other hand, it is also possible that this girl is for real. Although in the 5 years I’ve worked in Hong Kong and China I’ve never seen a guy and a girl hold hands, let alone have physical contact, unless they were dating.

    My guess is that this girl wants a man around so she won’t get hassled, but chooses to pick an easy target so she can keep him in control. Oh the silly silly games we play…

    • RegnisTheGreat

      This is so true. This si why I laugh when woman says they don’t want a guy who play games. Women play games far more then men (and are better at it). What they are really saying is “I don’t want a guy who play games with me, but I can still play games with him.”

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      Hey Steve, Nope, I wasn’t paying for these ‘get-togethers’. It was a 50/50 split for anything major. For coffee’s etc, we would take it in turns to pay. So I don’t think that was the case here. Living in the UK, I’m accustomed to identifying these girls. I know plenty who do this trick.
      Earlier this year I went out with a British girl twice. She never offered to split the bill for anything and then she ‘disappeared’ from my life when I tested her, jokingly, with the suggestion that she could pay next time…Interestingly enough, my recent Facebook update “Finished all my exams!” was met with a public comment “Hope you get a fantastic job!” followed by the simultaneous private message “Let me know when you’re working again and we’ll do dinner :). :roll:

  • Brian

    Cheung, she owes you some nookie if not for all those dates than at least for all the trouble you’ve been through! I hope she feels guilty and gives it to you a few times as an apology!

    • Cheung Wai Lan

      BrianMy last conversation with ‘Miss B’, was quite in-depth. It’s clear that she still doesn’t realise how certain things could be seen as leading me on. I had to explain them in detail before she understood. She seemed quite confused but did apologise.I’m not convinced that I would even accept ‘apology nookie’ even if she offered. If you just want sex, it’s easy to get. Sex with someone you actually have feelings for, and not just a physical attraction is a lot more difficult to get… :(

  • Kevin

    It’s not relevant to this post in particular, but the combination of latest-posts-at-the-top with replies-go-below-the-parent is doing my head in. Which way am I supposed to read? One or the other please! (putting the most recent posts at the bottom is best IMO)

  • Cynthia

    I do not consider it is a culture barrier. Since i am a chinese girl, i can not imagine that i cuddle and hold hands with a guy who is not my boyfriend. These intimate motions only happen in lovers especially in China.

    Sorry, the only conclusion i can get is: she is not so naive as she looks or she says.

  • Mark

    She was fresh to the U.K. and needed support. No doubt she liked the attention and signs of affection but did really wanted support from him.

    There is also the concept of claiming. Claiming is when one person makes it clear publicly to a group of peers that a certain person is theirs. She wanted the support and affection from him but was not ready to be claimed and made his alone. Such behavior would be consistent with a young person new to a country and community.

  • Cheung Wai Lan

    Mark, not quite sure what you mean by ‘concept of claiming’. Can you elaborate?

    • Mark

      Claiming can take place on many levels.

      The objective of claiming is to show others that another person is exclusive to them. Women resort to claiming all the time when they want a man. Examples are if a man is friendly to a female and they date once or twice, then when they are around a group of friends that includes other females that know the man, she will take his hand or arm in front of the other females. She is sending a signal that this man is hers and she is attempting to cut off any chance that he might have of going out with the other women. Most people are not aware of this subtle game.

      The above poster was engaged in behavior that in the past had worked to claim women, including getting social re enforcement from his friends to validate his claims to a certain female. In this case it did not work. The issue with claiming is that a person might enjoy the company of a person, and even enjoy them on a sexual level, including attraction but not want to be “claimed” they are in effect keeping their dating or sexual options open. In this females case she wanted support as from a big brother but more than a big brother. She was not naive it was just complex

  • Nick

    No… fabric softener is how they mark their territory! If she offers to do your laundry and uses fabric softener or a drier sheet, you know she’s marking you. :-)

  • lei

    i am a chinese girl, a common girl,and i am not shanghai or beijing girl. i guess usually if i met a guy, even if i’d got a crush on him, i would not want to say no to him. and i won’t accept him to be my bf quickly, here, quickly dose not mean weeks, i believe , it might mean months. but if he was about to , say, start it(base), when i am not ready ,then my answer would be no. it doesn’t mean that this guy won’t make my bf.and i guess, she might not sure about her feelings about you yet, and during this time, she may not feel she likes you. so she just let it be the friend relation. and in china 2 people hand in hand do means that they are boy and girl friends. but usually we are not sure about western signal because ,i guess, western world, in our mind, is kind of open, free and mysterious.

  • TLB

    Lei, thanks so much for coming in here and contributing to our discussion. I can tell you that, though western culture might be as mysterious to you and Chinese culture is to us :lol: two adults of the opposite sex walking hand in hand in a western country almost always means they are bf/gf.

  • China Shark Mike

    So what you guys are trying to tell me Chinese women can be manipulative. Oh, my god I should have found this out 2 yrs before I moved here. Oh, well live and learn women will always control us emotionally, much stronger than we’ll ever be.

  • Bored in Sydney

    The summary of my experience with most single women in general and Chinese women especially is that they are totally focussed on what they can get from a man and do not realise that what makes a great potential partner is what they will give or what they have to offer a relationship.

    That is a big part of why the stereotype Chines Gold Digger is still single and has no understand of where the perfect man is???

    The reality is that what they think is the perfect man is a playboy and has 4-5 other girls also hoping to get a BMW or at least sign their name in the passenger seat of his. Dream on children

  • garylong

    I have been in china 6 years and date many Chinese girls, to be frank, I have never met a Chinese girl that tells the truth, 5000 years of history and just teach them how to be the best lies on the planet. the last girl I date with, I chat on QQ many months speak on the phone speak on the Microphone when chatting on QQ. she had study abroad for 9 years and returned back to china, her English is very good, she open her heart to me told me she like me so much, we had so much in common, music, movie, much more, we try to meet many times but work did not let us, in the end we both had holidays, and we met and went on a short trip together, I start to have deep feelings for her and she hug me that night before she went home, and she told me she so happy to meet me, and seen me as her boyfriend, and would joke about getting married in the next 6 months, told me her dream had come true to meet some one like me to come in to her life.

    later that night I get a MSN call from a friend that is on the same the web page that I met that girl on, she is back on the web looking for the next man to cheat, and she sent a letter to my foreign friend on that web page, she is chatting to my foreign friend now as I am sending this report to you all. So don’t believe Chinese girls they all cheat. If you don’t believe me I can send you the logs of the chat and times. Next she wants to make a date with my foreign friend, she is chatting to. (we will trap her) to show that foreigners are smarter than Chinese, when she meets my friend she is chatting to now. She sending messages to me saying she is with Chinese friends, but she is chatting to my foreign friend at the same time why we know this as we have 2 computers in the same room. She telling me she misses me and chatting to my friend saying she want to be with him.

    • Maikoh

      It’s unfortunate you had to go through that, but experiencing deceit from one Chinese woman does not qualify your statement to be a generalization of all Chinese women. You are clearly still emotionally charged, which is why you say such things. Perhaps you have only yourself to blame for choosing to date the wrong women, and through the wrong medium – MSN, seriously?

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